Dear Baby- A Miscarriage Post

Hello Baby.  Today is your due date.  Today is the day that was supposed to mark your arrival (or soon to be arrival, if you took after your sister) into this world.  I should be rubbing my large belly, waiting for a sign that you are ready to make your entrance.  Today should be joyful and if not that, at least filled with happy anticipation.  Instead, I feel heartbroken.  I feel as awful as I did the day that the ultrasound tech couldn’t find your tiny heartbeat.  I miss you desperately and I feel cheated that I never got to meet you.

I wonder if you would have had my eyes or your Daddy’s.  I wonder if you would be long and thin like your sister, or if you would be short and chubby.  I want so badly to hear you cry and coo.  I want to hold you close and stroke your tiny little cheek.  I want to feel your soft breath and have your tiny hand wrapped around my finger.  I want to feel the heartbeat that I never got to hear.

I wrote your due date on the calendar as soon as it was given to me.  I wrote it in pencil in case they bumped it forward or back.  After you were gone, I couldn’t bring myself to erase it.  I didn’t want to erase it.  It was one of the few little reminders that I had of you.  Erasing it felt like denying that you existed and you most certainly existed.  I loved you fiercely from the moment I saw two pink lines.  You were always my baby.  Nothing will ever change that. 

I couldn’t let today go by without saying something.  I know that everyone else has moved on and forgotten, but you already meant the world to me so I can’t let the date pass by without recognition.  I pray for you daily.  I know that you are in far better Hands than mine and I pray for the peace that should come with that.  I know that someday I will get to hold you and your siblings close and tell you all how much I love you.  For now, I carry your memory.

I love you, dear Baby.  I miss you every day, but today is especially hard.  I wish today was different.  I wish I was holding you in my arms, but I know you are safe in the arms of Jesus.  I also know that I will get to hold you in my arms someday.  Until then, I pray that you know how much I love you and how desperately I wanted you.  Happy birthday, my Little One.

All my love,

Mommy

Life Lately...

Hello friends!  I really mean that word: friends.  I am so grateful for all the love, support and friendship that you have extended to me in the past few weeks.  It has been difficult, but your words and prayers have helped lift me up.  Thank you.  If you had told me when I started this blog that I would "meet" some wonderful people who would become genuine friends, I never would have believed it.  I am so happy that I have all of you and I thank you for your support.

I thought that I would write a bit of a catch-up post, because it seems that life has been moving a million miles a minute over here.  The Sunday before our miscarriage was confirmed, my wonderful Hubby accepted a new job.  It was an answered prayer and we were grateful.  The new job is in my Hubby's hometown, which is 6 hours away from our current home.  It is wonderful because Hubby can stay with his parents when he is working.  The boss wanted him to start right away, but when we learned of the miscarriage my husband decided to start the next week.  This allowed him to stay with me during my hospitalization and the few days after.

We plan to move to my Hubby's hometown so that we can be together as a family.  I have given my notice at work and will be done at the end of March.  We are currently fixing up the house and getting ready to sell.

This job has come at a difficult time but we are so excited about the new opportunity.  I will be able to stay at home with our daughter, which is what we wanted all along.  I am so happy!  I will also have a college in the city that we are moving to so I will be able to take the schooling I want to take.  It will be hard to be so far from my family, but it will be wonderful to be so close to my in-laws.

I am going to try to share a bit of our moving process and staging process on the blog.  I also hope to do more of the Kon Mari method before we move, but that has been put on hold for now.

From a health standpoint, my miscarriage is still ongoing and it has had some complications.  My doctor still wants to manage it conservatively which I am happy about.  Due to our known fertility issues, I would like to avoid a D&C if at all possible.  I am off work until further notice, so I am unable to do much of the house preparation on my own.  I have been making great task lists for Hubby, though!  Ha ha!

I have found the hormone crashes to be difficult emotionally and on those days I don't get much done.  I simply pray a lot and lean on my family.

Thank you again for your support and friendship during this time.  I hope you know how much it means to me.

Your friend,

Ashley

High Five For Friday- 05.02.16

This week, dear Reader, has left me feeling weak and heartbroken.  On Monday, I was sick and went to the doctor.  He diagnosed an ear infection to go along with my nasty cold.  Hubby and I then headed to my follow-up ultrasound.

We were thrilled to find out that we were expecting on January 3.  It was a dream come true.  My pregnancy, however, did not progress as it was supposed to and we headed for an ultrasound when I was 7 weeks.  We were saddened to find out that there was no evidence of a baby and that the pregnancy was measuring quite behind.  We tried to keep our hope alive that we would see baby at the follow-up ultrasound.

Monday's ultrasound confirmed our fears.  They did not find any evidence of pregnancy.  Although I knew that this was probably going to be the case, I was still heartbroken.  I didn't want to lose my baby.

I saw my doctor on Tuesday who referred me to an OB.  I was admitted to the hospital, much to my shock.  I thought that I would be sent home.  We frantically phoned my Mom who was with Miss. E and she assured us that all was well and she would stay with Miss. E.  My hormone levels were still climbing and my doctor was worried about infection.  I spent two nights in the hospital.  I was in pain, heartbroken and missing Miss. E.  We have never left her overnight anywhere and the separation was killing me.  I was sent home on Thursday and have many follow up appointments booked.

I can't remember the last time I felt this low or cried this much.  I have been clinging to my faith and to my Hubby.  Mr. Roger's wise mother once said that in tragedy we should look for the helpers and that is where my focus is this Friday.  Here are my five:

1.)  I have leaned heavily on my faith this week.  I have whispered "Jesus help me" more times than I can count.  I find comfort and hope in my faith.

2.)  My wonderful Hubby has been my rock this week.  He has held me up when I was crumbling, rubbed my back and cared for me.  I am married to the most amazing man and I am so thankful for his love.

3.)  My parents.  They stayed with our daughter and kept her happy.  They took great care of her and gave us support.  My Dad even ran a bag up to the city where I was in the hospital.  I was grateful to have a few of my own things.

4.)  My friends.  I have felt the prayers, love and support of my friends through this week.  Their love and concern helped lift me up.

5.)  My workplace has been extremely understanding and supportive.  They accepted my sick note without hesitation.

I am not sure how the next few weeks will go on the blog.  I hope to be able to keep posting, but between my illness, ear infection and ongoing miscarriage I may have to step back from the blog.  I hope you will stick around until I am able to get my posting back on track.

I am linking up with the lovely ladies below: