A couple of years ago, Hubby and I were still in the throes of our infertility struggle. I felt despair, jealousy, bitterness and anxiety taking over my life. I could not understand why we couldn't get pregnant. I had done everything "right". I was eating well and exercising. I had a career in place and so did my Hubby. We had a house and we were stable. It was the right time, yet things weren't working.
I have always been a Type A personality. I wanted to control everything. If I just did this, then this would happen. If I did this, then that would happen. I lived comfortably in a world of cause and effect. I knew how to achieve what I wanted, until I couldn't.
Infertility brought me to my breaking point. I was avoiding friends because they were pregnant. I avoided Facebook because that was a mine field of baby pictures and pregnancy announcements. I cried at holidays and I was miserable.
One night I was sitting alone on my bed and I was in tears. I cried and cried until I couldn't cry anymore. I was asking God "Why?" and "What did I do wrong?" over and over. I was depressed and out of hope. At that moment it dawned on me that I was approaching my prayers all wrong. Life isn't fair. God is a source of strength, hope and guidance. He is not my personal butler. I don't get to demand the kind of life that I think I should have. Instead, I need to lean on Him and know that whatever will be, will be. I have His love and strength to get me through.
I remember saying "I can't do this anymore. This pain is too much for me. I am giving it to You." God can handle our pain, our disappointment and our struggles. When life is too much, we can lean on Him and know that He will help us shoulder the storm. It may sound corny but I had a strange sense of peace after that. We didn't conceive for several months after this "revelation", but they were some of the most peaceful months of my life. I focused on my relationship with God and my relationship with my husband. I felt more content and I was a better partner to my husband.
I now know that when things were too much I can just hand it on up and I don't need to worry anymore. Every time I feel anxiety creeping in, I just remind myself that I am not in charge of that pain anymore. Taking back any of that anxiety would be a mistake because I will never be more capable than God is at handling my pain.
I still fight my Type A personality. Handing up my worry and pain is still something that I have to pray about daily. I do have to say that I have a sense of peace and calm more often than not. When I don't, I pray.